I first read the WaPo piece by Helena Andrews after googling her name when I saw the title to her upcoming book/movie, Bitch Is The New Black, on Shonda Rhimes’ IMDB page. I thought little of it, since the whole “educated black woman can’t find a man” schtick has filled the pages of Essence, Ebony, black blogs, movies, etc. Frankly, while I am experiencing the difficulties of dating as an educated black woman and see the difficulties my single, divorced mother experiences, I’m a little tired of the subject because it turns into a mixed bag of “woe is me”, “black women are stuck-up,” “date outside your race” and so on. It also gets black men riled up and rather than discussing the social and gender impact of dating as a black male and black female, the conversation usually ends up as a bash session (the convo is especially over when black women lob the “successful black men only want white women!!” at black men).

Andrews’ piece, however, has taken on a life of its own, with people at Jezebel, Racialicious, A Belle in Brooklyn, and many others having their say. I’ve been reading these posts off and on since most of the commentary is of the above, but this comment struck me:

I am also troubled that it seems to be WOC who are often told not to have high expectations, sometimes to the degree that society seems to be saying that in spite of your status and accomplishments, you’re a ’stuck up bitch’ if you think you deserve the same status signifiers to which your white counterpart would be entitled.

I can count on both of my hands and my toes the number of times I, my mother, my friends, and my acquaintances have been told to “lower [your] expectations,” as well as the number of times I’ve been told I am “high maintenance” by black men. Besides the whole “date outside your race” rebuttal (which I have zero problem doing and have done), black women are constantly berated for ignoring the mechanic or bus driver or struggling record producer in search of their (per Something New) Ideal Black Man–you know, educated, successful, cultured, well-to-do. In other words, the type of man white or Asian women with a college degree or at least from a well-to-do background are expected to marry.

Topics such as this, which the mainstream media likes to paint as the plight of all black women in America, come across as a smackdown of black people. It’s a shame that the media prefers to applaud the Obamas or other couples like them as an exemplary and rare example of black “normalcy,” and that the only place I can find somewhat well-rounded, realistic portrayals of black romance and life in a romance novel (a genre of fiction which is used against all women as painting so-called unrealistic expectations of love and marriage). And lastly, as TMA says at Racialicious:

I reject the notion that because of my age, gender, and educational achievements I will never be married. I hope more Black women and men begin to reject these ideas and focus more on becoming the kind of people and partners that defy this tired, tired meme.

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